phantom words.

I wrote this at one go on a hot day almost 3 years ago. It's not inspired by any real life stories hence it's “phantom-ness” but it might as well be true.

Enjoy?

You remembered.

You remembered everyday he hit you and told you you weren't good enough,

Every day he would pound on your flesh as though it was made for him to do so,

You remembered the number of veins on his bloodied fist,

You remembered how many hits it took before he'd let you go,

You remembered him apologising right after and you remembered looking at the ceiling blankly as he tried to pacify you,

You remembered the time of the day he'd come and lock you up and told you he loved you because no one else did,

You remembered the night you wanted to escape but saw the belt he'd used to hit you on the floor and you stared at it till it was him,

You remembered him asking why you were screaming at the floor or why you flinched when his mother came around,

You remembered your mother telling you to come home in your dreams,

You remembered the day you finally decided to leave,

It didn't take much,

you'd already been through hell and back and you just needed a little push,

He didn't come home for three nights in a row,

You knew because your bones stopped hurting as much as they used to,

You remembered him walking through the door and ignoring your presence,

You remembered that scent of jasmine perfume on his shirt as you took off his coat,

You smiled.

You waited till he was asleep and left the apartment that had been your place of despair for years,

You remembered you loved him once upon a time and he loved you back too,

You remembered how each step you took reminded you of all the miscarriages you had and how the doctor looked at you when he said you couldn't have children anymore,

You remembered him saying it was okay.

You remembered how you walked for hours till you reached your sister's house and she looked at you as though she'd seen a ghost.

That is what you were,

a ghost of who you used to be,

merely existing.

You remembered how she didn't ask any questions and held you in her arms till she thought she was sure you were the one,

You remembered how she sat you down and gave you coffee,

you liked it black and she remembered.

You remembered how you'd open up to her weeks later and her eyes would slowly turn to pools of boiling rage because she said she'd wanted to kill him for ruining you,

You remembered the words you told her.

I am not ruined you'd say,

I still have the fire I buried deep within me and the fire within me burned more than the fire around me.

You remembered how she cried when she saw your scars,

You told her they didn't hurt anymore,

you told her they were battle wounds and you were a proud warrior.

You remembered how skeptical she was when you did you were moving out of her place,

You told her you needed to find yourself and you needed to live.

You remembered the way you started to smile again,

It was a bird and a boy with a bag of seeds,

He tried to feed the bird but he was scared of it.

It fascinated you how he would still try and when you'd walked up to him and asked he'd say he didn't want the bird to go hungry,

You admired his persistence,

You took some seeds from the bag and you smiled.

You remembered how the scars had slowly faded into your skin,

You finished bathing and you looked in the mirror.

You were beautiful.

You still are.

You remembered your first job,

your first car,

your first house.

And you remembered you were a warrior,

You never forgot.

You remembered the day the lawyer called and told you he died,

He slumped in the bathroom,

You remembered he left you all he owned,

You still wonder why.

Now at the window of your flower shop

among the scent of lavender and hysteria,

You remembered how you fought,

You remembered how you won,

You remembered you were here,

Living and not just existing.

You are happy.

—when you remember